♫ pure by blackbird

This is my first blog post. I’m twenty-six and the sun is rising and, for what feels like the millionth time in a row, I’ve been up all night. I wonder if i have a sleep disorder, like a bone-deep aversion to going to bed at night when i’m supposed to. Sometimes my sleep schedule makes me feel like a perpetual teenager, but i suppose i was going to feel that way anyway…I watched a little bit of the land before time but mostly i researched games i’d like to play in the future once i get more time—lookouts, homunculus hotel, before the green moon. there are more titles saved onto my steam account but i don’t feel like switching tabs and logging in at the moment. Weird to say but i never realized the gaming world was so wonderfully queer.

There are so many things i could talk about. But for now i’ll say i can’t wait until the semester is over—i’d like to take a deep breath, reconsider where my ropes have been pulling me…do i really want to work in the traditional publishing world anyway?! what am i pushing for? i want to be careful about entering spaces that might not care about my inherent, intrinsic self. Browsing itch.io tonight (well, this morning) and seeing all the indie games and visual novels has put a little bit of a spirit back in me; i feel inspired to tell stories. Problem is i can never figure out how anyone gets from a beginning to an end! so maybe, a little bird says, begin at the end.

one thing's for certain and that's: I don’t want to lose myself. if that means i have to be in the slow lane for the rest of my life, alright. It’s possible i’ll take the summer off school and spend my time doing things that really feed me. I like school but the deadlines and managing time stresses me out, powers me down; maybe i’m one of those brains that are meant to go slow, buzz, fuzz, trickle, seep, like molasses purring along a springtime beach – i take a sip. What’s better than this? I put myself before achieving. That’s achievement to me. What will i do? With a nice golden summer. i’m not even planning big. i just wanna breathe easy!

oh did i mention the cookbook i bought? Salads for dinner, and it arrives today along with the tiny distance of the moon by italo calvino. but I still want to finish the books i didn't finish in february - the cruel prince and annihilation.

sun through the window now - do i sleep or grab a gigantic coffee? times like these, you wish you could buy a coffee as big as a tree.